Sleep the five letter word!

Ahhhh... sleep...  These days I am in desperate need of it.  I have a baby who is going through a growth spurt, or teething or something, which means she has been quite fussy through the night.  I have been enjoying the cuddling and time together we have spent, but am very foggy the next day.  To add to the mix I have one son with a stuffy nose which means he does not sleep soundly and the other also going through a growth spurt, which means he wakes in the middle of the night announcing he has to pee or suffering from growing pains.

It is amazing how much of my thoughts these days are focused on sleep.  I catch myself daydreaming about the days end when I will be able to pull the covers up around me and sink into my pillows.  I find if I am stationary too long I am starting to list to the side or forward sinking into a cat nap.  If driving, I am needing to do anything to keep myself focused on what is around me.  My quest for sleep seems to be all consuming.

It is funny but the main source of any tension that will arise in our house involves sleep.  Arguments will start about who is getting more sleep or not enough.  Disagreements usually happen when one or both of us are tired.  We know to give the other more grace when that person is tired and to sidestep (if possible) any major issues until the other has had at least some more sleep. 

Don't get me wrong, Isaac is a full partner in our relationship and does his fair share of getting up with the kids in the middle of the night, of course this does not include the baby yet as she still only nurses, but Isaac has an amazing ability to sleep through sounds or fall back asleep instantly.  This is something I am not capable of - if a mouse were to fart in our house, it would wake me up.  I also have a horrible time of falling back to sleep if I am woken in the morning.  This translates to me not sleeping in very often and that tends to be a source of tension - or really me being frustrated but nothing that can change because of my own inability to block out the world.  In my Utopian world I would be blissfully in a comatose state when the kids would sneak into the room and whisper in Isaac's ear to wake-up.  Then Isaac would slide out of bed and float out of the room making not a sound.  Isaac then would create a sound proof bubble in which he would feed the kids and keep them entertained until I decided to roll out of bed.  Well that sound proof bubble has yet to be invented and our kids are anything but quiet in the morning, so I will continue to get up in the morning with the kids.

I will confess that I am that cranky bear if I have not had enough sleep.  I find myself not smiling as much at people I meet, or all together avoiding people.  I find my patience is limited, I am easily frustrated with the kids.  Internally I feel awful - this is not really me and boy what a bag was being!  I guess I would rather crawl under a rock but instead am being dragged forward by the movement of life.  It is a horrible feeling!

I remember a life time ago when I was a lot younger and pursuing a different vocation, I had taken a course that was physically and mentally intense.  Elements of the course involved functioning on very little sleep for days on end.  During that course about the second week into it, I found myself actually hallucinating due to sleep deprivation.  I saw a huge life sized mouse that was wearing a sombrero and poncho.  The scariest was when the mouse spoke to me, he said, "What are you doing here?  Go back to the south where it is safe?"  It is amazing, but now as a parent I know I am functioning on less sleep but function way better than I did in my early twenties. 

The biggest comfort is knowing that this stage in our lives will pass.  The kids will eventually sleep through the night, midnight wakings will be rare, then teen years will hit then it will be staying up to the middle of the night.  I keep joking with Isaac that when the kids no longer keep us awake or wake us up in the night, our bodies will be failing and we will be up anyways!

Frustrations of a Mom

It is one of those days. I feel the need to try and accomplish chores around the house that have been staring me in the face as I walk by, and haunting me as I escape in pursuit of other fun activities. I can no longer walk away.
Now I feel the push to finish these tasks. I have laundry piles to sort and fold, a trailer to prepare for winter and wash, a car to wash, a house to organize and clean, windows to wash, a garden to tend to, and fall chores to complete. In the midst of this I have kids vying for my attention and a baby needing to be fed every hour and half.
At first I was frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted. Instead I should be thankful I have these problems and this is the height of my "problems". There are others who have no home or are in jeopardy of losing it due to economic failure. Others who struggle with trying to get their kids attention.
So I should count myself fortunate and tackle the chores as I can. Find the time to balance time with kids, and getting things done.
I do have one question though, where do the Mom's whose houses are perfectly clean and organized find the time? What am I doing wrong?!

Time to train

I have to admit, I was feeling quite pleased with myself for finishing a triathlon recently. I will admit that I did not spend a lot of time on training as I found it hard to do between holidays and kids. I struggle with motivating myself to run at night after the kids are in bed. Often I feel pretty tired from the day and am ready to snuggle down for the night. But having completed that race, I am completely motivated to train to better my time.


I loved the feel of the race. Okay in this last race the water was really cold and for the first 100m or so I struggled with catching my breath and was panting trying to warm up! But I know I can swim the distance. I went to the pool later and was able to complete 750m without too much trouble. I was amazed at how well the bike went. Normally for me it is the worst event, this time it went well. I am thinking it was because I was not pulling a bike trailer full of kids!


I find the transition phase to be an adrenaline rush - get in, dress, grab your bike or dump your bike and off you go! Maybe it is my need for changing stimulus, but I enjoy the different sports married together. The best part about these races are the people. Everyone there is there to better their own time. This creates a really positive, encouraging environment. Everyone is cheering each other on, pushing each other to do their best.


Ethan did the kids triathlon the day before. He was fortunate enough to "compete" with a friend of his, making the experience that much more fun. Watching him run the race was a lot of fun. He chewed me out in the transition area for going too slow with helping him! After the race finished Ethan was excited to do another race and now has found a new love for swimming.


The best part about the kids race was the lack of parent attitude. You know the attitude - "My little Johnny is the best kid out there, yours can not possibly compete!" This attitude was instead replaced with "Great work kids!" "You can do it!" I loved that every parent was encouraging all the kids and not just their own. I loved the feeling in the crowd. I loved that everyone was there to help each other. At the end of the race when each kid crossed the finished line, they received their medal. It was a celebration of completion rather than who won. I really thought it was a great way to introduce the sport to kids in a positive fashion. It also modeled a different idea of teamwork even though it is an individual sport.


Next month Ethan starts hockey for the first time, he has that awkward birthday month - February. I hope that the experience for him will be positive. I hope that there will be minimal parent drama attached. Wouldn't it be great if at each practice and game all the parents stood on the side lines cheering on each kid, encouraging those who have trouble and supporting the idea of true teamwork? We will see how it turns out - I may be pleasantly surprised.


For us as a family we want each of our kids to learn the love of sport - both individual and team sports. We want them to live a healthy active lifestyle. We want them to learn how to work in a team environment and learn to work with different kinds of people. My hope with all of this is that most of these experiences are positive and the ones that are not, they have the strength to manage the situation.

Summer Strawberries

So I bit the bullet yesterday, I took the kids strawberry picking.  I have been wanting to go for a few summers now, but we have been away during the season or life just got in the way.  This year I was determined to go.  I was worried about how well Nolan would do.  I had visions of him running through the patch squashing all in his path, I was sure we would be asked to leave.  Thankfully it was not that way at all.  The boys were extremely helpful and had a lot of fun.  We ended up with two pails full of strawberries - yummy!  The best part was the boys were not fighting and were working together.  I really got to enjoy them as they explored the strawberry patch searching for ripe fruit.

When we returned home, Ethan continued to be a big help.  We washed the strawberries together then made strawberry jam with one pail.  I did not fair so well during the jam making process.  Or I should say my house did not fair so well...

Whoever decided it was a good idea to make flat top stoves and sell them to families were wrong!  Okay so really it is our own fault for buying one...

I am not sure if anyone else out there who has or has had kids in the house finds this, but I am finding I am a rather distracted cook.  I will be in the middle of making something and a kid will want or need something right at that moment and it pulls me away from what I am doing, I then forget where I am at and things burn or end up ruined or spill over.  Which brings me back to my stove and making jam.  I tried to set myself up for success, Sage was just fed and settled in the swing, Nolan was doing a craft that needs no Mommy support on the back deck, and Ethan was "helping".  I thought I could make jam from start to finish in the time that I had, I even bought the liquid pectin to speed the process up...

My first mistake was making a double recipe in a pot that was too small - I forgot that the mixture froths when it boils.  My second mistake was using a cast iron ceramic lined pot to cook the mixture in...  I put the mixture in, set it on the stove and set the temperature so it would boil.  Now my husband often teases me that I set everything to max and that things will eventually boil if set on a lower setting - however, I need things to boil this millennium, does he not understand that the kids have a finite attention span and waiting for it to boil on a low setting is too long!  Sure enough as things normally go, all heck breaks loose and chaos erupts.  I am trying to diffuse a fight, tantrum and settle a fussy baby and sure enough the mixture decides to boil... boil over...  Turn the stove to Off, which makes no difference as I used the cast iron pot which retains its heat REALLY well!  Grab the pot, drag it to the sink, sloshing sticky jam mixture everywhere.  Meanwhile the mixture left on the stove is continuing to burn filling our house full of smoke.

You can now picture a 3 year old having a tantrum, a baby crying, jam spread everywhere and our fire alarm going off.  By the way it was not one fire alarm, our entire alarm system was ringing.  Add to that a 5 year old asking why the alarm was going - if it was a fire? etc...  Then of course the phone then started ringing - the alarm company making sure it was just me making jam and not a real fire...  Awesome!

I think I have finally cleaned up the mess I made from yesterday.  The top of the stove looked awful with the burnt on sugar/strawberry mixture.  I spent a good hour or two scrapping off charred goop, trying not to scratch the top of the stove.  All I can say is never again will I buy a flat top stove - what a pain!!!  Or maybe I should listen to my husbands advice and set everything to low heat to eventually boil...

This is my life!  I look back and all I can do is laugh.  The jam turned out fantastic - had some for breakfast this morning.  Every time I eat some of the jam we made, I will think of the experiences we had in making it and it will always bring a smile to my face.

Boys...

So here I am, the boys are up, dressed and fed and why am I avoiding them?   I have left them to their own devices of play while I drink my tea and share my morning using this blog.  Okay, so let's be honest, I am running away from my children before I lose my mind at Nolan.

Nolan is our challenge.  I love him to pieces, he is a bright, intelligent, funny, imaginative kid who really can be a lot of fun.  BUT he can also be a lot of work.  I am at a loss of how to parent him right now.  I need better strategies with how to keep my patience and keep positive.  Any help or suggestions are welcomed - actually this is a cry out for help - please!!

My first challenge with Nolan is to get him to keep his hands to himself.  Fortunately right now the bulk of his punishment is taken out on Ethan or on Isaac or myself, but I am worried this will transfer to other kids.  Nolan and Ethan will be playing or having fun and next thing I know he is pinching, scratching or grabbing Ethan.  Sometimes I know it is out of frustration - he does not have the verbal skills to express what he wants.  Sometimes he is trying to initiate play with Ethan and again does not use the verbal skills to express it.  Other times it is completely random - those I refer to as drive by punishments;  he will run by Ethan, grab or pinch him on the way. 

We have tried the "stop start" method of trying to redirect Nolan to a new game.  Stop pinching, play ...  We have tried giving him the words for what he maybe trying to express - "Ethan do you want to play?"  We have tried time-outs, big hugs, labelling the play as mean play.  The bulk of my frustration is how often we are doing this and how some days it feels like I am always "on" Nolan's case regarding behaviour.

The next challenge we have with Nolan is his destructive play.  Again I think a lot of this comes from his frustration of not being able to accurately express his emotions, but sometimes it seems like it is random or a punishment for his brother.  Nolan will throw things - anything in his path when he is frustrated or angry.  We again have been trying to label his emotions for him to help him be able to verbally express his feelings.  We have also tried the time-outs, the stop start etc...  The throwing when angry or frustrated is manageable, it is more the random destruction that I get frustrated with.  An example is this morning Nolan and Ethan were playing nicely together.  Nolan stopped playing went and did his own thing, then came back to the game and without any rhyme or reason completely attacked the game by kicking pieces all over the place. 

How much of this is boy behaviour, how much of this is due to his own hearing/speech troubles?  I know he is socially immature - but he is only 3, how much of this will disappear as he matures and becomes more verbal?  We as parents are very cognisant of ensuring we give each kid lots of attention.  We kid that Nolan needs one on one parenting, but really he does some days and most of those days we are able to give it to him.  I am not convinced that this is due to lack of attention or activity.  Some days we know it is because he is tired, hungry or bored.  We know he is a physical kid who needs a lot of physical play - we meet those needs as a family. 

I am just at a loss of how to stop the undesirable behaviour, or perhaps in need of some more redirection strategies.  Maybe I just need to hear that others are going through this struggle too and know it will come to an end.

Home for a brief moment

So we made it - all 4400km and several adventures later.  We had a lot of fun as family and got to enjoy the company of good friends and relatives along the way.

During our trip, I was fortunate enough to meet up with family, some that I have not met with in quite some time - let's just say years otherwise we all feel old...  It was such a fun experience.  I met up with my aunt, who really has not changed all that much, and my cousin and her family.  It was so great to meet this family as very quickly it seems that my cousin and I have similar parenting patterns.  It offered a glimpse of what the future potentially could hold.  It was almost like seeing a fortune teller.  The best part about the visit was the reconnection of family.  I am looking forward to future visits. 

I have an update about my quest to ban corn from our house.  When I wrote about corn and how much it was in our food, we were traveling in the United States.  It was incredible how much they use corn syrup to sweeten their food.  Anyways, when we returned to Canada, we noticed that it was not in food near as much as it is in the US.  I still am reading labels of everything as I am finding it hidden in a number of different foods, generally in the form of starch.  An example is peanut butter or yogurt - crazy I know - things I would not have thought would contain corn.  Oh well, a little longer at the grocery store for the sake of better sleep and a happier baby is worth it!  Not to mention the health benefits for the family.

So we are home enjoying the summer routine (?) of home.  We are home though only for a short time, soon I take off with the kids back to see family in Ontario.  I am nervous about the flight and a bit about the trip.  I worry that Nolan will be tricky to handle that day/time at home.  I worry that it will be exhausting for me with managing the kids.

It is funny, I thrive on being busy, I can live on a few hours of sleep and still perform well at my job.  My job demands that I am capable of making critical decisions in a short period of time and to make the correct decision regardless of how tired I may be.  But I feel like I fail when it comes to my own children or home life!  I struggle with keeping it together when I am tired or overwhelmed.  I feel like I am forgetting a ton of things every day and letting people down.  Some days I feel like I can take on the world - the kids and I have a great day, everything (almost everything) goes smoothly, nutritious home cooked meals are served, the house is clean and laundry mountain is a molehill.  Other days I struggle and I feel the kids are struggling too, they are fighting with each other - which in turn drives me around the bend and I feel like I am referring a WWF wrestling match.  On those days NOTHING gets done, and meals....well they are nutritious but not ideal.  I despise those days, I feel worn out and cranky when I go to bed on those days.  I am forever trying to avoid those days and yet I know they are a natural part of life.  May be this is why I feel like I would never make a good full-time stay at home mom.

Right now I am finding Nolan to be a big challenge.  He is such a strong, spirited, funny and bright kid, but boy oh boy can he drive you crazy.  It especially urks me when he plays "dumb" for attention or because he feels he can manipulate the situation to better suit his needs.  Perhaps this bugs me the most as I am still sensitive about how his development is perceived, as I know this kid is anything but.  A funny example of Nolan playing "dumb" was when we were at Whistler.  The boys wanted to go on the go-cart ride, so we paid and each chose their vehicle.  The girl operating the ride was a young, tall, Australian who was quite pretty.  Anyways, she explained to the boys how to operate the go-cart, pull the lever for gas and steer.  Well there was Nolan, pretending that he did not understand and he would not squeeze the lever.   The girl then sat on the back and held Nolan's hand showing him how to operate the vehicle.  Well Nolan turns and looks at me with this mischeivous glint and puts his hand down to his side.  Sure enough the girl then drove Nolan around the track for the allotted time.  At the end of the ride, the girl hopped off to help the other kids and Nolan quickly grabbed the wheel to try to get it to go.  Such a turkey!

Diet changes

Since having to watch what I am eating because Sage is sensitive to corn and has been reacting, it has been a real eye opener for me. I used to think I was pretty savvy about what we ate as a family and tended to lean towards the more nutritious side of things. I am now seeing how bad the junk food or treats really are - thankfully we ate very few of them or sparingly but now I want to cut them out completely and find better alternatives.

I am starting a challenge for our family - no corn products. I will not cut out this grain fully, I will only allow it in the whole form and mixed with a balanced meal. So an example would be cereal, or corn on the cob as a side dish.

Why am I doing this you may ask. It is never a great idea to ban completely on food.

Well it has been proven that corn, although abundant, in third world countries when fed exclusively to a village, malnutrition still occurred. Corn has some nutritional value but is not complete.

My biggest concern is the use of corn to replace sugar. The corn syrup used as a sweetener rather than sugar is one of the main reasons for obesity and rise in diabetes. Corn syrup does not allow the body to realize it is full and then we eat and eat and eat.

It is incredible what contains corn syrup! All pop, chips, candy - yeah I know garbage food to begin with, but then you look at some breads, crackers, soups and you will be surprised.

So when we return from our holidays there will be a complete ban on any food the contains corn syrup or corn fillers.

Lessons learned

So far on our trip we have learned some very valuable lessons.

1. The black roads listed on a road map of Oregon mean really twisty turny roads.

2. Nolan is guaranteed to puke after a short drive on a twisty turny road.

3. Nolan is very good at puking - he did it sitting straight up covering only himself and his car seat.

4. Mommy and Daddy are very smart with always ensuring the kids seats are covered with some form of water proof device just in case of puke incidents.

5. "You can not have a war without two guns." In the case of our boys you can not have peace without two guns.

6. Our boys + ocean = zero dry clothing.

7. Crab, although fun to catch and tasty to eat, does not make for a restful night with a nursing baby.

8. Sage has a very sensitive digestive system. Corn products and now crab are off the menu for mommy for a bit.

9. Corn products are found in A LOT of food.

10. Laundry mats are actually kind of fun, it is incredible how many loads you can do at one time!

We are loving our vacation, it is a lot of fun with the kids. Such a beautiful part of the world hat offers so much fun for the kids.

The start of my summer vacation

We have made it across two provinces, an international border, and now three states and are almost to the coast. The kids have all been great on this journey. We were fortunate to take an extra day in he Spokane area where we got to take in a beach and just general relaxing fun. A nice break from driving.

Sage is continuing to prove herself an easy baby, for which we are thankful! I am now 100% convinced she is showing a reaction to corn, so I am watching ingredients for any lurking corn. I do not have allergies and never had to scrutinize ingredients before, so I will admit I find this a bit tricky. If I do forget and eat something with corn, Sage sure lets me know! Then I feel bad because the poor girl is gassy and not comfortable. All I can say is there are A LOT of things made with corn in it!

We had the opportunity to stay at a friends house the first night into our journey. Their grandson was there that night; he is Ethan's age. It was a lot of fun watching the boys play together. They have met before a different times in their lives - it is neat to see them reconnecting that relationship. The little boy's parents are going through a tough time right now, they have decided to end their marriage. The impact of this is evident with the child. Fortunately he has our friends who love him and are helping him through this time. When we left both Isaac and I reflected on the visit and are grateful for our relationship and our family life together. It has to be a tough road to end a marriage, even harder when kids are involved.

Lately we have been working on the boys sorting out their own disputes (within reason). Our strategy has been to sit the boys down together in a spot, like a couch, then tell them that neither of them can leave until the other gives permission to. This means the boys have to cooperate in order for them to carry on playing. I am loving the results. Ethan right away gives Nolan permission to leave, Nolan on the other hand takes his time - I mean really take his time, one time it was a good 45mins! At the end the result has always been them playing together, compromising or creating a game they both can play. The other day at the beach the boys were struggling with both wanting to play with a specific water toy - instead the decided to play a game of tag using the water toy. For a good hour we sat and listened to giggles and friendly teasing and watched the boys expend some pent up energy.

Speaking of boys... What is it with their need to talk about poop, farting and bums?! It works great if the boys are cranky and I want to turn around their mood, I just have to make a fart sound and they are rolling with laughter. I just fail to understand the obsession with bodily functions. At our last rest stop while I was nursing Sage, Isaac was playing soccer/catch with the boys. Ethan had the ball and Isaac was taunting him to throw it at him, so Isaac turns his back to Ethan sticking his butt in the air. Ethan was laughing so hard he could not throw the ball! I can not nor should I fight it, just join in the "fun" and fart away!

Joy

Have you ever noticed how your mood can be instantly altered by the influence of a little kid? Hand a baby to an elderly woman whose husband is in the hospital diagnosed with a terminal illness and you will witness a transformation; that woman will leave strengthened ready to face what lies ahead even if only for a little while. The innocence or purity of a child who pulls you into their make-believe world allows you to abandon all worries about laundry, dishes, or whatever else plagues your mind. I think that this is the greatest gift of youth.
When do we lose this freedom? The ability to live life fully and to enjoy every moment by living in the moment. I love that my kids pull me back and make me stop and enjoy the now.
Recently I had the opportunity to witness them slowing life down for others. My husbands mother was visiting for a while. The boys not used to Grandma, nor having any understanding of what it means to be old, showed no mercy in their demands for the games they wanted her to play. At first Grandma was stand-offish not really too sure how to proceed, but eventually she was playing zapper dart games with the boys. It was great to see Grandma enjoying the boys for their energy, but even better that the boys will have that memory of her visit.
Prior to Grandma, we had both my sister and my husband's sister visit. Both Aunts played vigorously with the boys. The house was filled with giggles and the sounds of kids being chased. I have a strong suspicion that both Aunts went home and slept for a few days having expended about a years worth of energy.
My boys are rambunctious, energetic and love playing games that are physical. All in all typical boys. I am excited about our summer together. I am looking forward to the running and chasing, the bike rides, the playground climbing, chasing the surf, exploring of enchanted forests and not to mention the bonus weight loss that accompanies this much activity.
Sage will be there right in the middle of it all in a sling or carrier. She will get to experience and learn this is our family life from a young age. She will also continue to melt hearts, there is something magical about holding a young life in your arms. It is incredible to me the number of people who stop and greet Sage and those who desire to hold her. I am always inclined to share as I feel she is such a gift, but more so because I enjoy watching the joy it brings that person.
How lucky am I?

Chasing bubbles

I have been lamenting lately about how time is passing so quickly; it is being marked by changes in our kids.  I will be honest, I feel like a kid playing with bubbles.  If you watch kids playing with bubbles, you will notice they tend to run after the bubbles trying to catch them in their hands.  If they are lucky enough to catch one it will generally pop in a short amount of time.  That is how I am feeling about life right now.  I feel like my kids are the bubbles and the wind is time pushing them forward.  It is leaving me running a crooked race trying to catch the bubbles to savour the moments.

Sage is going through a growth spurt right now, this translates to her eating every two hours.  I feel like I am living life through hazed filled glasses.  As I struggle to keep my eyes open during the middle of night nursings, I recall I went through this with both boys.  I catch myself thinking that it feels like it was yesterday I was holding Ethan this way nursing him.  Now he hardly fits in my lap anymore.  So even though I am exhausted, I am trying to savour these special moments with Sage.

Ethan just finished his kindergarten year.  To mark the end of the year, they had a small celebration.  It was quite cute to see.  Ethan is very proud to be going into grade one.  His Mom on the other hand...  Okay so I will admit it.  I had no troubles seeing him off to Kindergarten - it was only two or three days a week.  I cried a bit when he pushed me away and told me he was taking the bus, but that did not last long as it was much faster for the Mom taxi to pick him up.  But now this grade one business really has me wound-up.  I think it is partially because of the growth and change I have seen in Ethan in the last little bit.  He is maturing into a young boy - complete with potty humour...  Perhaps it is because I felt this past year went so quick, that before I know it he will be heading into junior high, high school, university etc...  Or is it because this is my first kid to hit this stage?  If I am a mess with Ethan, what is going to happen with Nolan and then Sage?  I guess I better stock-up their therapy funds... 

Nolan finishes his school this week.  Because he attends both the three and four year old preschool, he gets to have two celebrations of learning.  I am just amazed to see how far he has come in the past seven months.  All the trouble he has had with speech is practically gone - on his terms.  Nolan has really enjoyed attending school, and has soaked in all that the teacher had to offer.  The other day we were out playing in our yard and a bird flew over.  Nolan pointed up at it and said, "Look a duck!"  I replied that it was a seagull rather than a duck.  Nolan then looked at me and started SPELLING "seagull".  He used the actions for each letter and I gave him the letter "e" but other than that he spelled it correctly.  It completely shocked me!  Here is a kid who barely spoke seven months ago who can spell?!  Yep - that's totally Nolan - everything on his terms and his way.  He keeps me laughing, smiling and wanting to pull my hair out all at the same time.

Well onto summer vacation.  Gearing up for our big trek down to the Oregon coast with our tent trailer.  I can hardly wait to walk the beaches, explore tide pools and feel the surf of the ocean on my legs.  I plan to plunk down on a section of the beach and build sandcastles with the kids and enjoy the time as a family.  I will ensure I bring some bubbles to chase...

Rain, rain and more rain...

Anyone living in the province of Alberta has been enjoying a lot of rain lately.  This means the grass is growing longer and some creativity is needed with planning activities for the kids.

This past weekend I took the boys camping with another family.  The day that we arrived and set-up the tent trailer, it was sunny and warm - full of promise for a great weekend.  The boys were excited to be out camping.  The site was great, it was set right across from the beach and playground.  Unfortunately the weather did not stay so sunny and bright.  This left us seeking alternative activities for the kids.  The neat part was it allowed us to explore a different city and what it has to offer.  We got to experience the swimming pool in Red Deer and took in the Sports Hall of Fame.  Both really neat venues that the kids had a lot of fun at. 

The other family had brought walkie-talkies.  Ethan had one and their oldest son had the other one.  While driving to Red Deer the boys were communicating between the two vehicles.  If you want a good laugh, give two five-year-olds walkie-talkies.  Directions were being relayed - a few minutes past the turn-offs, frustrations were being shared about how long their respective mothers were taking with preparations to leave, and details of the trip - cows that were being passed, trees, lakes the usual.  Later, the boys then played hide-and-go-seek using the radios.  One would hide behind a trailer taunting the other to come and find them.  It was hilarious to watch and to listen to.

The next day it was time to pack-up and head home.  Packing a tent trailer - let me correct that, a soggy wet tent trailer is an exercise in organization.  I am grateful that I have easy kids; it really helps with the process.  That said, it is still a lot of work and involves timing to ensure the kids are fed, more specifically Sage is fed and ready to travel.  Sage is still eating every two hours during the day.  I began to get nervous about my trip this summer back to Ontario with just me and the kids.  I worry that it will be a lot of work, leaving me exhausted at the end of it all.  Fortunately, this prompted me to re-investigate flights and found the cost had gone down substantially.  I was able to purchase some tickets for about the same as what it would have cost to drive. My sister-in-law whom is an employee for Air Canada, was able to find family tickets with even better prices.  I gratefully accepted this help!  I am somewhat relieved by this.  I think I will be able to enjoy the trip more when I am not as exhausted. 

Speaking of tired...  I am not sure if it is the weather or if it is just the way life is right now, but I can not seem to get out of this funk of feeling tired.  Sage is still only waking about once a night and I am getting way more sleep than I did during pregnancy, but I still feel tired to the core.  Coffee is my friend these days.  A friend of mine graced me with a treat of strong ground coffee left on my doorstep.  I have been enjoying each cup for its caffeine but also for the thoughtfulness of the gift.

I am very grateful for the friends I have made in this community. I could not imagine life with out their support or friendship.  Isaac will often tease me and say I belong to the "Mom network" as we all will help each other out in a time of need.  I think the Mom network is a great thing to have and honoured to be a part of it.  The funniest part is how it brings people together.  Every Mom that I know, knows different Moms, thus expanding the network.  Not that I have ever verbalized this to anyone other than Isaac, nor is this a secret club or clique.  In my life I have been fortunate enough to meet some really great people, some with and some without kids, and we all support and encourage each other. No person should live in isolation, especially when trying to raise a family! 

Restless

It has been a while since I have posted anything.  It is not due to the lack of writing, but rather due to the lack of finishing what I have been writing.  I have number of posts saved but have not felt that they were complete thoughts or musings and have abandoned them.

I feel restless today.  I feel like there is about to be a change or a shift in our family and I am eagerly waiting to see what unfolds.  I am a person who enjoys change.  It brings new challenges and new perspectives, and allows me to grow further as a person. 

It is funny, I used to seek out change in the form of moving; I call it itchy feet.  I enjoyed moving to different communities, meeting new people and exploring the new surroundings.  That all changed when we moved to our current town.  I finally have found a place that I feel is home.  The other day my husband returned home from a course he was teaching and told me that he was asked to apply to work there full-time.  My heart sank...  I do not want to move.  I finally found a place to call home and do not feel the call or desire to leave.  Especially now since the kids have started school.  I know Isaac supports this, but on a level I also understand his desire to advance or move within his career.  Isaac has said that this is the best place for us as a family, but I am wondering if perhaps he still has a bit of itchy feet...

So I know the change is not us moving, but I can feel that something is going to happen or shift within our family. 

Perhaps it is the summer.  The wrap-up of school, the end of soccer season and the impending holidays.  I have decided to drive home to Ontario to see family.  I am nervous about the trip but also excited about the adventure.  This means that our summer is now pretty much "booked".  I find myself wanting to cling to every moment and savour the time we will have together as a family.  I am looking forward to the month we will take to explore the coast as a complete family.  It will be great to reconnect with Isaac as life has been so hectic with his work lately.   

I have been thinking a lot about family these days.  It is incredible how quickly the kids are growing.  I find myself wanting to drink in each moment of their lives as I feel that time is speeding by.  Do you remember the long summer days you had as a kid?  The summer months felt like the lasted forever.  I remember wanting to get back to school as the summer felt so long.  Did our parents feel that these months were too short like I do today?  Does time speed up as you get older or is it the result of our fast forward society?

Ethan went on his first major field trip today.  He went to the zoo in Edmonton.  I felt nervous that it was such a distance away from me.  I did not expect to feel that way, it took me by surprise.  We want to raise our kids to have independence and to have them explore the world around them.  I was surprised that I felt unsettled about him taking a trip an hour away from me. 

Both Isaac and I are not keen on taking trips without our kids,  Perhaps it would be different if we had family closer, but we both rather take a vacation as a whole family than the just the two of us.  We have no troubles with going out and leaving the kids with a babysitter but not a great distance or overnight.  I have troubles with taking a flight away from the kids.  I admire those who can do it, but I know for myself I could never fully relax on a trip being so far away from the kids.  I morbidly can not help but to think about what would happen if... Maybe it is because I lost a parent at a young age that I am so protective of the kids and want to keep them close.

The tricky balance of keeping your kids close but allowing independence and growth.... 

For the love of sport...

This has been a busy soccer week.  On Saturday Ethan had his mini-tournament, it consisted of two games, Monday was Nolan's game and then Ethan had his normal game again last night. 

I really enjoy watching and playing with the kids as they learn this sport.  It is great to see that some kids have a better sense of fair play than some adults I know.  Some kids are more apt to yield the ball to the other team in order to give them a turn. Other kids are pretty eager to play and have some pretty good foot work.

I coach Ethan's soccer team and prior to each game we as coaches will chat about the details of how we expect the game to run.  If the other team that we are playing does throw-ins, how they are subbing their players, what goals count etc...  For U6, we are starting to introduce the general rules of the game and are starting to enforce them.  At this age, for safety, we have a keeper's circle, a line which we do not allow our kids to pass to try and score.  To enforce this we generally do not allow goals to count if they are scored past this point - we blow a whistle to try and keep the kids back and explain to them what is expected.  Unfortunately we have a number of new coaches this year and not every team is being taught this element of the game. 

Last night I had a bit of an oops on the field.  We had spoken with the other coaches prior to the game and they had said they were playing with the keeper's circle.  So the kids get out there and start playing.  One of their players gets the ball and rushes down towards our goal.  He was being chased by a few of our players and a number of his own teammates.  He gets into our goal area and instead of shooting prior to the circle, he rushes into towards our keeper and scores.  I blew the whistle to stop the play, just before the ball went in the net.  I knew the kid that scored and knew he was a pretty good player.  My team were all looking at me upset that the ball went into the net and that this kid was saying it was a goal.  They were protesting that he was in the keeper's circle and that it should not be a goal.  Having spoken with the coaches prior, I thought we all agreed to the rules, I told my kids that yes it did not count.  I also took a moment and explained to the kid who "scored" why it did not count. 

At the time I thought I was being fair to my team and abiding by the rules.  Later I spoke with the other coach and she expressed that the rules had really fluctuated with each team this year and that they did not always abide by the keepers circle rule.  She then said that had it been a kid who never scored or rarely scored that it would have been heart-breaking for them to be told that goal did not count.  I reflected on her comments and feel she has a point. I quite honestly feel bad about it.  But on the same token, my team is learning the rules and what is expected and the keeper was upset that she had been scored upon unfairly.  Fortunately this kid went on to score another six goals during the game so this was not the case, but the coaches comments made me feel bad and to take a moment of pause.

I guess this is where I feel insecure.  I always want to do the best for my team, for the kids to have fun and for them to love the sport.  I also want them to learn teamwork, the rules and  fair play.  I strive for this to happen and with any conflict it causes me to second guess myself.

If only for a moment...

A friend of mine posted a video that reminded me to slow down and drink in life and what it has to offer.  A quote from the video is, "life is not an emergency".  This rang home to me.  Being on maternity leave I am finding myself with more time to reflect and drink in these moments.  I catch myself wondering where the last few years slipped away to.

On the weekend I was speaking with a friend of mine who just had her fourth child.  Her baby was born a week later than Sage.  My friend knows this is the last baby she will have, and admitted to me how she secretly wishes she could keep the baby a baby forever.  For us it feels right that Sage is our last child and I am wanting to savour every cuddle and moment.  I know these moments are fleeting.

It is funny I never have defined myself as a "baby" person.  In my twenties I had said I never wanted kids!  Now I have three kids of my own and I would not change a thing.

When Ethan was a baby I remember enjoying the stage, but always looking forward to the next stage.  Nolan came along and at the time we thought our family was complete - but really we were kidding ourselves and were denying the feelings of wanting another child.  With Nolan I remember trying to savour the moments but often found myself caught up in life.  It seemed every time I turned around he was growing bigger.

That said I am loving watching them grow.  The boys each have their own unique personality that keeps us laughing and crying!  I am honoured to be able to watch them navigate life. I am trying to not think about how the future will unfold, but instead live life in the now.

I do have one regret; that is my extended family are not able to share this with us.  Both Isaac and I live quite a distance from our families, by distance I mean three days of non-stop driving distance.  Work brought us here and work keeps us here.  Not to mention that we have made a life for ourselves in the community we live in and now that the boys have started school, the roots are growing deeper. 

This morning I spoke with my father.  He had asked if I would travel out to see him so he could meet Sage.  I have been struggling with this very thought for sometime now.  You see my father can not travel as he is a dialysis patient.  He is also aging, which makes my desire to see him that much more great.  I had researched flights home for just me and the kids, along with a vehicle rental and the cost was the amount some use a down payment on a house!  I have been tossing around the idea of driving with the kids, but again I would be solo as Isaac can not get the extra time off work.  This morning my Dad asked if I would consider driving.

So what do I do?  Do I take three weeks to drive out east with three kids and hauling our tent trailer?    Would I be insane or just practical?  I would like to think that when I am in my 70's that my kids would go the distance to see me.  I am not sure if I am brave or capable of managing this.  Part of me has this vision of traveling with the kids exploring the country while winding our way east.  The other part of me has a vision of me feeling completely overwhelmed and exhausted.  I am also feeling the strong pull to take the kids home to see Grand-dad. 

What would you do?

"To grow something wild..."

So it is that time of year again.  The time of year where I try my hand at gardening.  I have a strong desire to grow a bountiful garden and yet my visions never match with what actually happens.  Last year the boys "helped" rearrange the garden several times - successfully killing all the plants.  The only survivors of the re-gardening were the pea plants, which then fell victim to the field mice.  This year we have fencing around the garden and have hopefully dealt with the mouse issue.

Ethan and I trucked off to buy some more dirt to fill up the garden and purchase our plants.  I had already bought some seeds to plant.  My little farmer was quite cute at the store.  The boy who was helping load the dirt into the van was quizzed as to his age, and what he had planted this year.  The poor seventeen year old boy tried to explain that he had not planted anything but his mother had.  To which Ethan looked at him and asked why he did not help.  Ethan then told him we were planting spinach (lettuce) beets and carrots. 

The next stop was the greenhouse.  Ethan's school had made a field trip to this greenhouse just before Mother's day.  Each kid potted their own strawberry plant to take home and give as a Mother's day gift.  Mine has been out on our back deck thriving.

At the greenhouse Ethan gave me a tour similar to the one he had received.  This included showing me where the staff have their coffee breaks.  We wandered around looking for "food plants" that we could grow in our garden.  On the way out I got to see the poster his class made with the pictures of the kids visit to the store.

Home again to plant with my little helper. We tilled the garden, planted the seeds and plants and watered.  Now I have an Ethan inspired veggie garden complete with pumpkin, cucumber, carrots, lettuce, beets, celery, strawberries and a few herbs.  If you have seen my garden you will know that this is a lot for a small space!  Hopefully there will be little rearranging and some crops will survive...

Now the garden in my front yard, that one is going to be filled with flowers.  I again have a great vision of how I would like it to look, but honestly have bad luck growing flowers.  This year I am hoping to have a secret weapon - Isaac's sister is showing up for a visit tomorrow.  This woman is AMAZING with plants.  I am going to take her to the greenhouse and set her free!  I am hoping to learn a thing or two about what plants to pick and what will work best in my garden that is low maintenance and spreads...

I am excited about Wendy's visit and a bit nervous for her at the same time.  I worry that my boys will drive her a bit batty.  Wendy does not have any kids of her own, so I can only imagine what a shock walking into our chaos will be like.  She is coming to offer some help, for which I am grateful for!! 

Isaac has just turned on the sprinkler and the boys have stripped off all clothing and are chasing each other around the yard.  This is what Wendy is in for...

Confessions of a parent

I find it interesting how our parenting styles change.  Before I had kids I was pretty sure of what I would allow and not allow my future children to do.  I also thought I knew exactly how the were going to behave in any situation as they were going to be my ideal children...  Since having kids, I realize how naive I was.  Ideal children do not exist.  Some days it is all about getting through the day and fighting only the worthwhile fights.

I struggle with those who have a desire to compete with their child's attributes.  From what percentile the kid falls into for growth, what milestone was achieved, what sport are they taking, what activities are they doing and the achievements made.  I have no trouble with celebrating these things, I just struggle when it becomes a chance for that parent to use this to compete.

The other night Nolan had soccer.  During the practice portion he did not want to participate.  Instead he rather play with his Dad, who has been working more than usual lately.  During the game we were able to convince him to come out onto the field and at least hold my hand to chase the ball.  Nolan then graduated to holding the coaches hand and actually played the game even if for a short time.  This was huge for him.  For some kids the game of soccer can be intimidating.  A swarm of strange kids running at you to chase a ball can be too much.  I celebrate that Nolan got out there and played for a little bit without the security of Mom or Dad.  I know there were parents there tsk tsking on the sidelines about our choice to put Nolan into soccer, but for Nolan it is the right choice, to help increase his socialization and push his comfort zone.

Because everyone has different parenting styles, some issues can become so controversial.  I have a confession, we as a family CO-SLEEP.  Yep, I said it...  When Ethan was born, we used all the "right" methods for trying to get him to sleep.  We tried the shushing and crying methods, but all that happened was it created a house of exhausted and frustrated parents.  Finally the lazy-boy chair became my friend as that was a place both Ethan and I could get some rest.  With Nolan we started out with him sleeping in his crib but as time progressed that dissolved as the need for sleep increased.  He never slept longer than 2 hours at a stretch and chasing a toddler during the day meant I needed sleep.  When he slept with me, I could get him to sleep at least 3 hours in a row.  With Sage, she has been sleeping beside me since day one.  She only wakes once a night (usually) and her nursing is done quickly allowing us both to return to sleep quickly.   For me this means I get some precious sleep.

We still have the occasional visitor in the night.  Usually when one is growing and having growing pains, one is sick or if one had a nightmare.  They will tuck in beside one of us and return to slumber quickly.  For us this choice is one out of the need for sleep and is one that feels right for us as a family.  I personally enjoy the cuddles and closeness we get to experience as a family.  I also enjoy that both Isaac and I are able to function the next day.  Does this mean this method is right for everyone?  Of course not!  It is what we as a family have decided what is right for us. 

It is like the multitude of parenting books out there all selling that they have the answer for how to raise perfect kids, or solution for behaviours.  I am currently reading one regarding infant massage and the science behind it.  Quite frankly some of these books increase your guilt as a parent.  The current book states that if you do not respond quickly every time your baby cries, your baby's brain will not develop compassion.  Seriously?  I call bollocks to that one and yet a small part of me thinks about this as Sage cries and I can not respond right away as I am getting the boys into the car so I can take them to school.

All in all  I feel sorry for any new parent, it can be a tough road finding your parenting style.  I know for our family it is a work in progress.  I can say with pride that I no longer worry about what others think and do what is right for our family.

Dear diary...

I am not too sure why I am starting this blog, perhaps it is the "extra" time I find myself having while I sit and feed Sage.  Maybe it is my own desire to have my thoughts validated by some random person.  Do you ever notice that blogs are like the diary that you had as a kid?  The cheap lock that held the book together and the threat you gave your sibling if they ever opened it or read it, and yet you knew they did.  Or at least that was the way things were in my house. 

Yesterday I took Sage for her six week check-up.  I found out that she has gained four pounds and has grown four inches.  I had a moment when I felt like I am woman!  I marvel at how she is gaining all her nutrition from me.  Both boys gave me trouble with breastfeeding, I always had to supplement with formula to satisfy their hunger.  It is rather a neat feeling not have to go through the same process with Sage. 

Ever notice how there is a direct relationship with how much time spent outside and how much energy kids have?  Ethan had school all day yesterday which means when he gets home he is wired for sound!  We try to spend time right after school playing outside before we start our evening routine.  Yesterday we played street hockey.  It is hilarious how Ethan tries to skew the rules to suit his needs.  Our game had rules similar to hockey or soccer, it all depended on what gave Ethan the better advantage.  The coolest part was watching how Ethan included Nolan and gave him a turn at firing the puck at Mom.  It is great to watch them play together even if it is to gang up on me!